A solution without its problem.

I am looking forward to this ending of 2008. While in general it went like a good year for me, it has ended up rather horribly, and has now approached a place I didn’t see coming, feelings I never expected to experience, and become an ignorance that I cannot seem to tackle. Cognitively, it has been a disastrous attempt to uncover gapes and gashes, but I have instead seemed to been met with steel plates previously installed to prevent further damage.

Accustomed to brutal winters, both external extremes and internal fires, this one (for whatever reason) has been particularly hard, and seems to be the most cantankerous, and probably crucial, in my memory.

Much of it makes sense, though. There are feelings of hopelessness and dystopia, uncoverings of the human illusion that lead to questions posed like “is this really the way it is?” Disbelief from an atheist with beliefs.

I think ALL of this has to do with a faulty decision making process. One incorrect choice diverts to another, so on and so forth, until life becomes a moment when the ball in a Peggle game has fallen to the opposite side of the playing field, away from the final orange pegs. No ultra extreme fever here.

In any case, as horrifically confused, dazed, distracted, and depressed this recent and brief period of life has been, a sequence of business immersion, social avoidance, excessive excess (a tip-of-the-hat to the Palladium era,) and artistic distraction, something good will come from this manure…

My three tools left:
meditation
cognitive restructuring
art

In summation, I feel as if there is just something I cannot get past… a few somethings… some things my mind has yet to unravel.

¶ 2008·12·31